what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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