My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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