i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
