i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
