WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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