Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
