i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
