you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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