I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
