she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
