someone get that fucking seahorse.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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