I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
