I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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