this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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