I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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