I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
