I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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