I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
