k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
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