I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
