I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
