Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
