I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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