Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
