I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
