You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
