why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
