I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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