If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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