I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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