She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
