party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
