I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
