i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
