I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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