If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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