it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
