I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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