there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
