I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
me + whiskey = a bad person
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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