I hate your face
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
