I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
