I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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