I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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