if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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