Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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