i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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