operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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