Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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