I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
