turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
