Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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