gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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